Prince Harry in 2014 – Dirty 30

I don’t really like the term “Dirty 30” but I suppose it fits our dear Harry, non? Alas his hitting the big 3-0 on September 15 this year seemed a little tame. (At least compared to my 30th which involved lost wallet, lost cellphone, and cringe worthy photos on the internet.)

He had a fancy black-tie party at St. James Palace, which may or may not have been ski-themed, may or may not have been organized by Kate, and may or may not have had burlesque dancers. Either way, I’m sure it was lovely.

Even more lovely was the birthday gift courtesy of his late mother: an inheritance estimated to be worth a cool £10 million ($16 million.) Harry and William both began to receive income from their future inheritances at 25. Then, Harry rented a yacht and threw a big party for his friends. Five years later, with all the money now in his hands, we heard of no such shenanigans. He and his brother are both now in full possession of much of their mother’s personal belongings including her iconic wedding gown. This allowed them to retire it from its tour of the shopping malls of the United States. Pity.

Now, as someone on the other side of 30, I have a few tips for Harry as enters this new decade:

1. Take up yoga if you haven’t already. You’ll need that flexibility as you grow older.

2. Stop smoking. Seriously. The cool, rebellious, factor has expired.

3. Don’t be that guy at a party of full of 20-somethings, barefoot, smoking a hookah, or stumbling out of a club at 3am. It starts to look sad. Stick with house parties or quiet nights at Mr. Fogg’s.

4. Don’t snog random people in bars. They might be lying about being legal.

5. Get married. I realize this is highly personal and not (quite) as easy as quitting smoking. But the longer you wait, the harder it gets. You get set in your ways. The pool of eligible spouses becomes smaller. You start to feel more desperate. Your list of single mates rapidly shrinks. Soon you’ll have no choice but to be that sad, barefoot dude at a party full of 20-somethings.

6. Make sure your money is well invested. Instead of renting yachts, put some of that money in CDs or buy some Apple stock. Trust me, as long as people like you continue to use your iPhones without cases, that’s a safe bet.

7. Don’t wear jeans with holes in them nor the same untucked, plaid shirts over and over. Even if you did just roll out of bed, try not to look like it.

8. While we’re on sartorial choices, ditch the bracelets. I know they’re for a good cause but you look like my 11-year old niece. Wealthy, grown, men don’t wear woven friendship bracelets or rubber bangles that cost a dollar.

9. Keep a journal. Things will become harder and harder to remember as you get older. And I bet Judd Apatow could have a field day with the screen adaption of that shit.

10. Enjoy the coming 10 years. The decade after is a little rougher although I hear it picks up at 50. And look on the bright side; at 50 you’ll probably have more hair than your brother does at 32. (One can hope.)

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